I Work At McDonald’s
I don’t work at McDonald’s, but I plan on telling anyone I meet that I do. Quite frankly, I’m sick of explaining what eCommerce is. And I’m tired of laying out what an Email Operations Analyst does. This is not proper party conversation. I don’t want people to get whiplash while they look around the room for someone else to talk to. Now, imagine this. A 28 year old tells you they work at McDonald’s. Oh, you think. As a manager. Nope, afraid not. I’m a floater. Oh, you say. You work the different stations around the McDonald’s? Sort of. You see,...
Read MoreThe Poor SEO of Aric
I realized today that I have a terrible search engine ranking for “Aric.” And I would be sad about it, if this guy weren’t beating me so handily. Success!
Read MoreFeel Better, Tylenol
Oh no, you guys! Something is seriously wrong with our good friend, Tylenol! Not only did he lose his spot on the varsity football squad due to his poor academic performance, but he has spiraled into a deep depression after he and Cindy broke up! Not only that, but Tylenol’s parents totally took away his car for a month after they found weed in his jacket pocket. Also, he has the mumps. Feel better,...
Read MoreThe Electric Pen
I’m on to you, Xcel Energy. Something is amiss with the power lines in my neighborhood. As an estimate, the power goes out about 12+ times a year in my house. And I’m not talking about little reset-the-clocks power blips. Although those are frequent as well, and I have given up setting the clocks on the stove and coffee maker. No no, Xcel Energy. These are full on out-for-a-couple-hours power outages. But the human mind is faulty. Like that unicorn that caused the last power outage? That might not be totally accurate. And so, I’m keeping a log. You’ve forced me to do...
Read MoreSay My Name
Okay, relative stranger. Some event in the past has deemed a vocal greeting necessary when we see each other. I would be happy with a simple head nod, but fine. We won’t argue the point that we can honor each other with the brief use of our vocal chords. But there is no reason for you to use my name in your greeting. Because I sure don’t remember your name. You know how I was coming out of the bathroom and you were on your way in? We didn’t see each other for more than a split second and my name was already shooting out of your mouth. How the hell did you do that? I...
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